But
the certainty that everything has already been written nullifies or makes
phantoms of us all.
—from the “Library of Babel”
As all libraries should have, our library has a wonderful and
spacious center aisle, at the entrance to which a giddy patron can see the many
shelves unfold in delectable succession, the space between them paradoxically
shrinking in vision and remaining the same in reality, the simple repetition
suggesting unending, “perhaps an infinite,” unfolding. As there should be, in
this center aisle are tables with built-in lamps, tables of the sort that only
exist in the center aisleways of libraries, tables of the sort we are adamant
must be in libraries (which in turn should be like our homes in plush comfort
but unlike our homes in that grandeur and columnar permanency should be the
dominating aesthetic). Borges’ lamps were “spherical fruits”; our library’s,
however, are sturdy, mushroom-shaped things sprouting at the tables’
twenty-five yard-lines. They are large and globular, as they ought to be. And
so as to avoid poking holes in the illusion, the cords to these lamps are
hidden somewhere below. The translucent caps of the lamp-mushrooms are plastic,
and this is less good (for the library is a place of wood and glass) but
considering the height and motor control of the children who swarm on this
campus in June and July for advanced summer school programs, it’s forgivable.
The lamps are rarely on, because the library is almost always lit with the
invisible brilliance of New Mexico’s incessant sunniness, and this is also less
good, because one must cloud the day in one’s head before a lamplit library
session commences. The antithesis of the library is good weather.
The tables
themselves are, in relation to the aisle, perpendicularly oriented. Borges’
library had no aisles, only radially organized hexagons; librarial orientation
I, however, have no opinion on, except that open floor should be minimized to
what is necessary for an imposing foyer and, beyond that, just walkways and
space enough to scoot back one’s chair. The tables in our library are set like
bricks across the gap between stacks so that awed seventh graders in search of
comics and depressed ninth graders in search of some optional but not optional
Timothy Egan book must veer slightly to the right or left as they pass the
tables, moving closer to the stacks, which in themselves tend to work like
walls extraterrestrial, glowing with unseen energy, attracting some people
(these kids put their fingers on books spines) and repulsing others (these kids
stand at the end of a shelf and, bent slightly at the waist, peer into the
narrow hallway between stacks like they’re looking into a cave they’re being
forced to enter).
I am a tickler of
spines. But I don’t just love being between stacks, I even like lingering at
their ends, noting their Dewey addresses, wondering at the families housed in
these high rises. As I imagine many others do, I love to walk up and down the
center aisle, veering toward the right or left, noting what colors and shapes
and titles catch my eye before disappearing. It’s like walking through a
suburban neighborhood at night. I am too old to play the games that I play in
the library, but sometimes I catch myself thinking that the book that drew my
advancing peripheral sight was somehow fated to do so. I usually leave it
there, though, defying such futures.
Recently I veered
and saw something worthy of legitimate pause. It was at about knee-height, and
stood between a tattered volume from the beginning of last century,
dust-jacketless and faded blue, and a glossy-wrapped brick of a book with HEMINGWAY on its spine. The book I noticed most distinctly, however, was a
thin book, and shorter than its two neighbors, its glossy cardboard spine still
perfectly unbent at all corners. When I got closer I saw the three books more
clearly: on the left was The Question of Henry James, Dewey Decimal call
number 818.46 DUP, an anthology of criticism published in 1945. On the right
was By-line: Ernest Hemingway, 818.5 HEM, a 1967 anthology of the
man’s journalism. In between was the oddball: Grumpy Cat, 818.54 GRU, a
2013 book that contains jokes and anti-inspirational posters all centered
around the strange internet personality Grumpy Cat, who is a real cat with an
unfortunate face that makes him look disgruntled always. He’s the Garfield of
the internet generation.
I extracted him.
Henry James slumped to the right and rested on Hemingway’s immovable shoulder,
an intimacy I’m sure had long predated Grumpy Cat’s meddling in perhaps the
only locale in the Dewey Decimal system that permits such an illicit union
between these two men, especially with James on the left.
I gave the two their
privacy and examined Grumpy Cat: A Grumpy Book, thinking I’d discover
what about it might justify its shelving between two predators like James and
Hemingway. On its cover the internet-proliferated personality stared out at me.
I remembered, then, some of his jokes, which I’d seen before in those short,
desultory walks through the urban blight of Google images. I remembered that
Grumpy Cat is kind of funny. James and Hemingway, I know, never would have paid
attention to something so base, and for a moment I just stand there with Grumpy
Cat and feel the pull: as an English teacher and writer, I should do my duty
and hide the book somewhere, check it out and never return it, misshelve it
egregiously in the back of the library. But as a member of whatever generation
birthed this sort of gelatinous humor, I sort of like Grumpy Cat, and I also
know that I cannot defeat him, even if I do hide him behind the whoever was the
19th Century’s Timothy Egan.
I turned the book
over. Ah. I’d only seen part of the call number. It was actually 818.5402: the
402 in the decimal had been around the bend of the book’s thin spine. I looked
at James and Hemingway. They were just plain 818.5s (Here’s the Dewey Decimal
flow-chart for the irrationally interested: Literature [800’s] > American
And Canadian [810’s] > Authors, American and American Miscellany [818] >
20th Century [.5]). Same nationality, different species. But the numbers seemed
to suggest that we weren’t far off from GC’s home—I thought maybe to the right
of Hemingway somewhere was its numerical spot. I imagined a scenario in which
an infinitely jointed eighth grader in a too-big t-shirt had come for GC and
then misplaced him after the ten minutes it took to read his book. I then
wondered why such a book would even exist, one that could be consumed in ten
minutes. Perhaps the simple and everlasting pressure to monetize things was the
reason someone made a book out of insipid things found for free on the
internet.
I traced the shelves and found that even
the next shelf down, all 818.52’s (> Before 1945 [.02]) The shelf below was
the stack’s bottom shelf, containing Lionel Trilling and the dustier, shadowy
parts of Gertrude Stein, and a book of Ed Abbey’s postcards. There were
818.54’s there (.54 = 20th Century>After 1945). But even the
just-.54’s were not Grumpy’s home. I followed the trail to the top of the next
stack. A Capote Reader, then a book by Mary Oliver, no, no...
In the middle of the
top shelf, however, I reached an unmistakable ridge. The land beyond it was
radically different than what I’d climbed through to get there. My old nemesis,
Dave Barry, stood there on the ridge, telling jokes to himself and rocking back
and forth. Not Dave Barry. Give me Louis Anderson, Tim Allen, any other unfunny
comic! I was exposed to Barry early and often in a 90’s sitcom based on one of
his books. The show was called Dave’s World and I knew for sure that it
was boring and unfunny even when I was nine and totally indiscriminate (I
wouldn’t miss an episode of “Family Matters” or “Boy Meets World”). All of
Barry’s writing has, for me, forever been tainted with that show’s dusty,
forced humor, a precursor to Everybody Loves Raymond and modeled
undoubtedly on The Cosby Show (the sets in all three shows are nearly
identical) but without believable acting or notable characters, and
gripping the low-budget coattails of Home
Improvement. When I discovered later that he was foremost a writer and not
a creator of awful TV, I impudently applied the latter characteristic to the
former. When I saw his syndicated stuff in papers, I skipped over it for the
same reason I’d skip over Andy Rooney or the pastor’s message in the weekly
church bulletin: this is for old people.
Barry was just six
thin volumes to the right of a book by Vonnegut in this particular bibliothecal
landscape. In between the two men were oddities. There was an outrageously
oversized but thin book called Orangutan Tongs by Jon Agee, author of
“wordplay books.” Next to it, a pocket-sized book of daily meditations derived
from the weird bestseller Illusions: Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, which
was a sort of self-help/novel hybrid that suggested to 1970’s America that
maybe your reality is just an illusion you create (!!!) (and subsequently
created a reality in which forty years later a friendly college student in one
of my freshman writing courses gave it [the novel, not the book of meditations]
to me to read, I think because he thought I smoked pot a lot). Anyways, then
Dave Barry.
Agee’s orangutan begins
the .5402 (20th Century> After 1945 > ???), but Barry’s
territory in that continent is downright Russian in size: Dave Barry Turns
40, Dave Barry Does Japan, Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys. Despite
Barry’s appearance I feel encouraged, for I can sense that I am nearing
Grumpy’s hometurf, which is guarded by gatekeepers like Barry. We pass Bill
Cosby, who is very busy and who doesn’t notice us, and then Ellen Degeneres of
1995, who on the back of her My Point...And I Did Have One is sort of
curled into a sad fetal position, head bowed and face hidden in a way that
perhaps is too easy to interpret as fear in the years prior to her 1997
Oprah-assisted coming out. Then a brand spanking new edition of The Complete
Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids, then a 1993 book called Whad’ya
Knowledge, which is a compendium of (very, very) slightly funny facts that
one of the back-cover blurbs calls “Sort of Garrison Keillor-meets-Groucho
Marx.” They’re referring to Feldman, the author of this book, and who Wikipedia
tells me is a relatively well-known radio personality that dispenses something
like “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” (which I listen to occasionally [WWDTM, not
Feldman] and which I find interesting only because it’s not at all funny,
though it is clever at times) but with far less syndication. Why Feldman is
important is because of .5402 FEL. Next to him is .5402 HAL (Quickie
Comebacks). Here are Grumpy Cat’s two neighbors.
When I part them, they don’t seem upset.
Nobody moves. I slide Grumpy Cat back in to his place.
As all librarians should be, the librarians at our library are nice,
and what I like most about them is their sense of humor about books. They like reading
primarily; analysis is something that happens once the books leave their
sonorous domain.
This, too, is why I
like our librarians: when I approach the front desk and ask to see the Dewey
Decimal classification manual, they stare for a moment, then smile just barely,
then say, “You mean...” as they walk over to the special librarian shelves
where glossy Dewey Decimal volumes stand proudly.
“Yes!” I said too
enthusiastically, not two minutes after rehoming Grumpy Cat. I walked around
the desk. I had not yet explained my purpose. The lady that normally does the
nonfiction decimaling was clearly nervous—she thought I was there to check her
work. Students streamed in and out of the library’s airlock, but all librarians
turned to the librarian-shelves behind the desk. I pulled down a volume.
It’s important to
know that I am not a librarian. As an English teacher and writer, I inhabit an
intensely curated book-world. If an English teacher is anything, he is curator;
if the writer is anything, he is hoping to draw the curator’s eye and avoid his
scythe. The English teacher/writer is a particularly painful combination: for
curation is both highly necessary, as one does not write in order to be another
voice crying in the wilderness or to even be a mediocre voice crying in the
wilderness, but so, too, is curation highly personal, as one does not write in
order to be culled. Thus, the English teacher/writer is not democratic, nor is
he populist. He is elitist, totally unpredictable, multicultural only for the
sake of legitimacy. He is viciously dismissive of literary mediocrity; he
considers mediocre the lion’s share of books written by folks plenty more
intelligent and talented than he. Naturally, being so paradoxical exhausts him,
I mean, me, mostly because yeah yeah yeah the canon isn’t representative and
all that stuff, but more so because while we teachers bicker over whether or
not Huck Finn should still be taught, there are hundreds of thousands
of books being published like donuts emerging from a machine, glossy,
identical. The English teacher/writer cannot focus on this department meeting conversation
on Huck Finn for long; he wonders if he’s the only one who notices that
the meeting room is slowly filling with books; he sees the department chair’s
furrowed brow being consumed by a cloud of hardbacks. A couple other
colleagues, ET/W’s themselves, notice it, too, and they’re leaning back in
their chairs, trying to keep their noses in free air. They look to the others
like they don’t care.
All that to say that
the reason I like librarians is because they long ago saw the rising waters.
Librarians dance in the cascade of publication; they splash around and grab
books by the handfuls, read pages here and there, wonder gleefully at such
abundance. Every English teacher and every writer needs a librarian
counterpart, otherwise (I can already tell) we will be consumed by
calcification or bitterness, or both.
But let’s not deny
that, when all kenneled in a library, there’s something attractive about the
ocean of books, the depths dredged in the human intellect by five hundred
something years of mass-producing our findings. What’s down there—I mean down
below the top layer of bestsellers and classics, down in the black places into
which Grumpy Cat’s form, even now, is being slowly absorbed, ink in ink—is no
canon, really. What’s down there is chaos, hundreds of thousands of books
published yearly in the US alone, read by a hundred folks, a thousands, and
immediately forgotten by as many. The library must somehow house all of these
unwanted ones (for who would write if they knew their progeny, as disposable as
it may be, would just be disposed of?). In the chaos, there is Dewey.
His acolytes are collating and organizing in the abysmal darkness like happy
worker crabs who know or care nothing about merit or genius but everything
about categories and sub-categories and sub-sub-categories…
I brought Dewey’s
book to a nearby librarian table. I found the place in the book.
I spent some minutes
untangling the lists of numbers and decimals. From what I could tell from such
a cursory examination, Dewey Decimal had no explanation in the most recent
manual for what exactly the .0002 is that’s added on to Grumpy Cat’s call number to make it Dewetically
distinct from the book of Ed Abbey’s postcards.
“Huh,” I said
emphatically. The librarians leaned in.
I then told the
librarians the brief story of James, Hemingway, and Grumpy Cat: A Grumpy
Book. The nonfiction decimaling lady smiled just a little, then smiled much
bigger when she realized we were talking about a book of stupid cat jokes. I
told them how GC was caught interfering with James’ and Hemingway’s amorous
rites, though I didn’t say amorous rites because I am not among English
teachers or English teacher/writers. Regardless, I saw that I had something of
co-conspiritors in these women, these ladies of the chest-high check-out
counters, these commanders of the demagnification machine. I was glad to be
among them at that moment, for I don’t know that others would have been able to
even feign interest in Dewey’s mysterious number-language and Grumpy Cat’s
place in it. (An English teacher would have lamented GC’s presence in a temple
so sacred. They’d say something like Isn’t the fact that Grumpy Cat is
misshelved depressing enough in that it implies use? A writer would
have sighed and said How can you compete with Grumpy Cat? And all of
this is depressing and totally besides the point in a library.) Librarians, our
librarians, said things like, “I sort of like Grumpy Cat,” and “What does that
.0002 mean at the end of the call number?” and “Dewey would do
that!” and a few good-natured Oh-my-goshes. One librarian joined my hovering
above the prostrate Dewey manual. Another joked that Dewey would have liked Grumpy
Cat (this is brilliantly and
probably unintentionally true, because Dewey spent a good amount of his waking
life pitching a system of simplified English spelling to an uninterested
public: Melvil Dui was his appellative simplification [don’t think too much about
the different i sounds]; Grumpy Cat’s name wouldn’t have changed a bit
in such a system). A third librarian floated to a computer to see
the other books with the same four-decimal call number. The nonfiction
decimally librarian stood with the same book open that she had opened when I
first said something about Dewey. Even she was smiling.
“Spongebob!” the
librarian at the computer blurted. “I Can Haz Cheeseburgers!” She was
smiling. She had somehow brought up all .5402 endings, which apparently were
tagged onto other call numbers throughout the library. Though they share the
.5402, I assumed that since Spongebob was not real and Grumpy Cat was, Grumpy belonged
four to the right of Dave Barry, and Spongebob in an entirely different
librarical hemisphere. I drew near to the monitor and noticed that Spongebob (Classroom
Crack-ups) had the same exact call number as Grumpy Cat. I Can Haz
Cheezburgers—more cats and more Dui simplification—goes there, too.
Fiction, non-fiction—jokes, apparently, were genre-defying.
I closed the Dewey
book, shaking my head slowly, warmly. That Dui. He’s always doing stuff like
this. We stood behind the tall counters and commiserated on the kind of fun
insanity of Dewey, the difficulty of a joke’s genre, the fact that GC and Spongebob
are just a couple books over from Ellen Degeneres, who I don’t think knows a
thing about all this. We smiled and said thanks to one another for the little
detour. One librarian was still looking at I Can Haz Cheezburgers on the
screen.
I began my walk back
down the center aisle to my place at the tables in the stream. Rarely, I
thought, was the lightless worker-crab part of a librarian’s job an
intellectual topic. I congratulated myself on this indirect gratitude (By
cracking the Dewey book, I have won their hearts!), and on my restraint,
because even more rarely than Dewey-Manual-perusing is the occasion in which an
English teacher does not comment on the relative worth of Grumpy Cat.
Back toward my
mushroomed table I strolled, eager again to be amid books, thinking I might
could maybe perhaps write something witty about how short the Dewetic distance
is between our canon and its chaff, feeling the prickly pleasure that an
English teacher/writer feels when an idea hits him in a moment where there were
no teacher-duties to be done, in an hour when the coffee hasn’t been burned off
completely, in a place that has windows and other writers standing all around
but making no eye contact, smashed as their faces were into the cover of their
western neighbor’s jacket.
As I walked down the
center aisle I passed a pair of junior girls. One was thumbing her phone, the
other was sitting with her legs splayed out. This girl was also holding her
shirt up, like an elderly man on a front porch, to expose what I suppose was an
overheated midriff. I frowned a bit, averted my eyes. This was a double downer:
an English teacher does not like midriffs, and a writer does not like pop stars
in his sanctum. Another kid—this one younger, knobbier than the girls, more
fully covered by his clothing—walked down the center aisle in my direction, his
arms wrapped around a stack of manga comics. A couple others—highschoolers—walked
more quickly behind him, they had their phones out and their backpacks on, and,
without even looking up, they parted around the manga-kid like unseen river
fish around unseeing ankles.
I reached my
table-island. My eyes wandered back to the strange stacks where Grumpy Cat now
slept. Dave Barry’s books were just visible on the top shelf of the 818.5402s. They
hollered at me in 1990’s block letters.
I returned my gaze
to center. The aisle ended in the portion of the library unlit by electric
light, but filled with white glow of indirect sun. In the very back:
silhouettes of studying students at tables like mine, mushrooms unlit.
Pay no attention to the midriffs, the
manga, the memes, oh English teacher/writer! You are surely nobler than these!
Something in my
peripheral vision suggested itself. I moved my eyes left, to the stack directly
across the aisle from the one I’d just perused. I saw, on the left side of the
aisle, just beyond my table, BARRY painted on spines
there.
I got up quickly and
confronted them.
I saw immediately
that they were, according to the call numbers, correctly shelved. This was not
eight eighteen point five four oh two but eight fourteen point five four
oh two. Barry had, it seemed, had established a transoceanic colony here on the
other side of the aisle. Here such colonial presence seemed even more grating.
Because moving left
from Barry: two James Baldwin volumes, then books of essays by Bakers
(Nicholson and Russell), then the same by Maya Angelou. Further beyond her were
folks like Mary McCarthy and Saul Bellow, and the shelf ended with John
D’Agata, whose name is on an anthology of not-boring essays about how,
ultimately, boring essays are boring.
In the shelf above: solid
Emerson and Thoreau (they are 814.4’s [the .4 denoting nineteenth century]).
To the right of Barry: Wendell Berry, then a
cowboy author named Baxter Black, then the end of the shelf.
In the shelf below
were the likes of Didion, Dillard, Doctorow, Gretel Ehrlich, Ian Frazier.
William Gass for God’s sake (which copy I’d squirreled in my office for months
last year). This shelf ended with a book of essays by William Gibson of the Neuromancer
I’d worshiped it in college.
That Barry was there,
in 814 (just: “American essays in English”) as opposed to quarantined in the
818 (“American miscellany”)—there, touching (undoubtedly without his
permission) James Baldwin and officed on the floor just above Didion and
Dillard and somehow at rest on a roost just below Emerson’s clawfeet—all of
this was unsettling, not only because I held in my dark English teacher heart
an admittedly unexamined belief that humor writing seems somehow out of place
in Dewey’s otherwise stunning 800s, which is a fat-volumed, low-altitude range
titled “Literature (Belles-lettres) and rhetoric” on Dewey’s topographic maps.
It’s true, I had a hard time granting to Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus
proximity to such a pinnacle as Nicholson Baker, whose U and I (813.54—fiction,
Dewey? it’s nonfiction! What sort? Memoir? Sort of, not really. Analysis? In a
way. Essays? Not at all. Travel? If you count from the living room to the
study. Miscellany? Well, yes...but God, no! I’ll take fiction over Miscellany! Alright
Dui, fikshun it is!) stunned me so thoroughly with its excellence that I
wanted, standing there in front of his essays, to call him personally and
apologize for Dave Barry.
Yes, yes, this was
all fodder for that intelligent essay I was thinking I’d write while
simultaneously losing the window to write it in. Nevertheless I’d write it and
publish it and anthologize it someday, another of the prudent little academic
badges an English teacher/writer needed to be promoted out of full-time
teaching and into a Jamesian/Hemingwayish/Bakerian life of Belles-lettres. The
essay would question the librarians’ radical democratic worker-crab method that
allows Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits to be separated from Baldwin by less
than a fifty-book wall. It would also praise librarians for their bravery. The
essay would recommend that there should be some in-cabin ding or a lighted
symbol installed on each socialistic shelf to indicate that you are now
descending from the canon.
I returned to the
table and began to write that essay, even, lingering on lamp shapes and the
adjectival forms of library. I worked up a sufficiently intellectual,
English-teacher huffiness about Barry, and I believed it would suffice for the
English teacher/writer’s needs. This was not as it should be!
I lost steam,
quickly, though. I felt tired. An E T/W is always a little tired. As an English
teacher I was easily riled by Barry, but as a writer he was something entirely
different, indeed. Dewey was right: I had as much right to be mad at Barry as
at Grumpy Cat.
But such radical democracy
was too much. I left the library.
I came back the next day, put my stuff on the same table, and
returned to stand in front of the same shelves, Emerson above, Barry below. I
knew it wasn’t the democracy that had scared me off. I found the place, the
lack of a gap that had weighed in my consciousness since I’d walked out the day
before. No, it wasn’t Barry that had been the problem at all. Or rather, he
only made the problem worse. The trouble was on the next shelf down.
On the left of it,
E.L. Doctorow. (This was a bad sign.) On the right, though, was Dunn. (Not
Donne—oh, hope!) I pulled Dunn out from his anonymous place between Doctorow
and Ehrlich. (It will be beneficial to have faceless and fameless Dunn on my
right shoulder, I thought, shielding me from venerable Ehrlich). Dunn’s book
was black, and its cover had an unremarkable abstract painting of cubes. Its
title—Riffs & Reciprocities—was clearly too alliterative to be
canon, I thought, and the font looked like Times New Roman that’d been simply
squeezed from the sides. Bad typesetting, anonymous author that’s not Donne,
chintzy title. Yes, hope!
I opened the book.
Norton published it. Something thipped against the inside of my sternum, but
recovered, thinking perhaps this is Norton’s off-Broadway sort of line, like
Nordstrom Rack or something.
I flipped to the
back.
This (I read) was
Stephen Dunn’s tenth volume. He’d won the Academy Award in Literature and a Pulitzer
Prize for poetry.
I stepped backward and sat down quickly at the
table. The horror, here, was that everything in the library was exactly as it
should be.
Ben Dolan, a guest writer on Talented Reader, teaches high school literature and
writes essays. His writing has appeared at EssayDaily.org and Massachusetts
Review. Another essay is forthcoming at Diagram in November.